The in-between place
Of here and now
And then and again
I find a sweet horizon
My little boat, floating or flying
through clouds, or waves
They overcome me
From above and below
Here, earth meets sky
and water flows
By and by
Like a thing with wings
praying for wind
I jump or swim
From the horizon,
Suspended in mist,
Dense in my lungs
Heavy, in my heart
Here in the horizon.
I was among the broken hearted.
A captain exiled by his family. He had an affair with a beautiful girl.
She sang “hallelujah”, as though she were a fallen angel, crying for home.
I met a divorcé, who thought it best to marry someone he didn’t love, to avoid the pain of jealousy. He hit on me, subtly.
And his roommate, the handsome Brit, tall and charming. Who didn’t believe he had a drinking problem. Not really.
We were all broken and shattered, living our great adventure. All the while, I was desperately lonely.
Home was too painful, your loss too recent.
I traveled on; to meet the next drifter, hear their story, as I swallowed back tears,
each time I thought of you.
Why do you linger
In the shadows
Like the specter
Of a memory
Not allowing
The present
To eclipse our past
Walking away
Was no mishap
And parting
No accident
Decisions were made
And I am not
The girl
Who got away
I am someone
You do not know
Accept me
As a stranger
And kindly
Let me go.
May 1st was my 37th birthday. As the days approached I thought little about it, until now. Now, I’m ready to celebrate. I have so much to be grateful for. I feel fantastic! I have two wondrous children, a loving husband, healthy parents, a supportive sister and life long friends. Over the past year I’ve also gained guidance from a mentor, a healer and a wise therapist. In this instant I feel complete, clear and strong.
I can assure you, the view from this happy mountain top was not accessible to me until now. Like so many others, my past was riddled with struggle. Over the past 6 years I’ve struggled with the loss of a loved one, financial upheaval, illness, postpartum depression and the overwhelm of being a new parent. But at this moment, with complete clarity, I can honestly say, I no longer struggle.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still challenged by daily life. Only now, I face these challenges from a place of empowerment. I believe I can learn from my challenges, respond with Love and surrender to Grace. The source of my empowerment comes from the loving presence and support of my family, friends, teachers, healers and mentors.
The magic of this moment is, I now believe I am deserving of this abundance and love. Because I believe I am deserving, I realize my capacity to give it back. I realize my capacity to love myself, love those in my life, and love you, a friend who I’ve yet to meet. To be lovable, is not only to be loved by others, it’s also the ability to love them back. It is my understanding that you cannot be lovable without being loving.
Let’s backtrack a little here. I’m feeling so good and it’s hard to stay focused. But I have to focus because I have something important to share. It’s taken me 37 years to realize who I truly am, and I’m excited to introduce you to this person.
Hello world, my name is Nina, I’m 37 years old and I am powerful, compassionate, courageous and loving. I am all these things because I choose to be. In moments when I am not powerful, compassionate, courageous or loving, I am hurting. In moments when I am hurt, I ask for you, kind strangers, kindred spirits and loyal friends to be powerful, compassionate, courageous and loving, so I can see you for who you truly are, and be reminded of who I truly am. I thank you, and I love you.
A little voice said, “It’s a beautiful day, take a walk along the waterfront.”
I said “The baby sleeps better at home. There’s so much laundry to do. I’d love to, but not today. Maybe another day.”
The voice persisted, “Yes today. For today, listen. You’ll see. It’s what you need.”
My mind continued to doubt, but I drove toward the water. Resisting the moment.
Once there, I walked. The air was fresh. The breeze soft and inviting. The path was calm. I agreed. It was exactly what I needed.
Maybe I should listen more often to this kind little voice, wise and gentle.
This voice, it loves me. In listening, maybe I can learn how to love myself.
(Photo by Matthew Fells)
When she was two, making a craft at daycare
The teacher gave her five baby ducks and a mommy duck to put together
She asked, where’s the daddy duck?
When she was four, I tried to explain the concept of comfort
I said, remember when you got scared at the dentist and I held your hand, it made you feel safe. That’s comfort
She said, like when I’m walking on the sidewalk and a big dog is there, daddy picks me up and I feel safe?
Because of you, duck families need daddies
And safety is two strong arms lifting her above harm
lucid days 