Mad at You

I’m an emotional person. Sometimes too emotional. And my poor husband has to wade through the many emotional tidal waves I throw at him. Below are “exaggerated” excerpts of what an emotional episode can sound like between us.

Mark: What’d I do?

Me: It’s not what you did! It’s what you didn’t think of doing. I don’t need you to do anything! I just need you to think of doing something generous and sincere and communicate that you thought of it in a nonverbal and genuine way.

Mark: What’d I say?

Me: It’s not what you said! It’s how, when and where you said it. It’s the fact that you said it when you knew I would completely misinterpret it and take it out of context. Before you say something you have to think about my feelings in that exact moment. You need to think of me as a fragile flower emerged from a crack in the road with a dump truck speeding by. I am the flower and I am the dump truck. Why can’t you understand that!

Mark: Are you mad at me?

Me: I’m not mad at you! Why would you think I’m mad at you? How can I be mad at you? I’m just upset. Not at you, but at the situation. I’m upset that you upset me. I just need to feel what I feel! I don’t need to explain my feelings to you and justify why I’m upset. I have a right to my feelings and you need to respect that!

Love you Mark!

Thanks for reading 🙂

(Almost) A Month of Meditation

janhabit

Full disclosure time. My new years resolution was to develop a daily meditation and yoga practice. To do this, I also cultivate habits that support the practice. Above is my ‘Habit Calendar’ for Jan. The habits I track everyday are: wake-up time (7 am), bed time (11:30 pm), gratitude journal (short paragraph of what I’m grateful for each day), meditation (20 minutes a day) and meditation journal (the subject of this post).

In January, you can see I had a pretty good run, right up to Jan 25. On the days I didn’t follow through, I wrote down the reason why. Of the 31 days in January, I meditated for 28 days.

Tracking my habits on the calendar helped me focus on the individual tasks and stay accountable. But I needed to do more than simply track my actions. To stay motivated and informed about my practice I decided to document the experience of each sitting.

Above are images of my Meditation Journal. In the journal I created a 12 months plan for my meditation practice. The goals for each month are cumulative; gradually extending the sitting time, finding a community to support the practice and going on retreats to deepen the practice.

I re-write the goals in the monthly, and weekly spreads. After a meditation sitting, I immediately write a short paragraph in the daily entry. The purpose of the entry is to document, not analyze.

Documenting the sitting is non-judgmental. In the entries, I write:

  1. Where I sit – on a chair or on the floor
  2. The length of the sitting – 10 to 20 minutes
  3. What I used to help me focus or track the time – listen to a guided meditation or set a meditation timer
  4. Physical sensations/discomforts – lower back pain, itchy knee, stuffy nose
  5. Emotions/moods – tiredness, agitation, sadness
  6. Breathing – shallow breaths, deep breaths, rhythmic breathing
  7. Thoughts – reflections of the day, rolling to-do lists, random jokes

I do not analyze the individual sitting experience because there’s not enough room in the journal. Also, I don’t trust my initial impressions. Only after a few entries, do I try to flush out patterns and insights.

The insights from this broader review of patterns, help me modify my practice over time. After a few weeks of listening to guided meditations I realized, I was no longer paying attention. During a guided practice, I usually drifted in and out of boredom, sleepiness or distraction, waiting for the talking to end. So, I decided to download a meditation timer and focus on my breath or a mantra during each sitting. By turning  inward, I was able to focus for longer periods during the sitting.

For those who’d like to start a meditation practice, I highly recommend pairing the practice with a Meditation Journal. When you write, be patient and honest with yourself. Remember that it is ‘a practice’ not ‘a perfect’. By honestly recording our experiences, we can make kind and informed changes to improve our practice.

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

 

 

Meditation Manifesto

I refuse to live a life of silent desperation. I choose a life of radical resilience. I walk peacefully in the midst of chaos and align my actions with my values.

I am not silenced by fear. I practice a calming quiet. And when I speak, you will hear me. My voice is clear and my thoughts resinate the truth I live.

Hate is not an option. Loving-kindness is radical. My rebellion is informed, calm and kind. I choose the complexity of love and the power of peace. I choose to meditate.

Not So Ironic

If you’re easily offended, I recommend you stop reading. My humour takes me to dark places. Places that both amuse, and sadden. When I’m in this strange state of mind, I can’t tell the difference between comedy and tragidy. I think the Greeks called it – Irony.

Not So Ironic “Jokes”

I’m fortunate that all my friends are very attractive. Thier perfectly symetrical faces reflect my inner beauty.

Getting an education was very beneficial. I now have a broader vocabulary from which to criticize myself. For instance, in addition to being a dumb-dumb, I’m also ethnocentric.

Sometimes when I’m lonely, I’d go to a coffee shop and pretend like I’m waiting for someone. When they don’t show up, I get super pissed and think “Even my imaginary friends are inconsiderate jerks!”

I date white guys becasue I assume white guys think: “She’s exotic and special”, while asian guys think: “She’s Asian.”

Motherhood brings out the best in me. And the best in me, needs a lot of work.

I love being a librarian. People automatically assume I read. Suckers!

Why did the toddler cross the road?
Because his millenial parent wasn’t paying attention. Hey guy! Stop texting and take care of your kid!

 

That’s all folks!

Thanks for reading 🙂

I Thought: Student of Science

‘I Thought’ is a new series of posts. Like most, my mind is full of chatter. When I take the time to listen, I’m sometimes repulsed, confused or amused. ‘I Thought’ is the curated bits from this flow of chatter. It’s mostly nonsense, but I hope you enjoy it.

Student of Science

On days when my self-esteem is at its lowest and I’m in the company of someone I admire, the Little Scientists in me, adjust her glasses, clears her throat and  nasally chimes in:

“Statistically, this person is better than you. Longitudinal evidence based studies have shown, people like her are more successful, more liked and will live longer than people like you. Objectively speaking, to feel good about yourself in her presence is delusional. Luckily, you’re a student of science and value empirical data. Eating your feelings is the logical next step.”

Thanks Little Scientist, that wasn’t helpful at all! You’re kinda a jerk.

 

 

Thanks for reading 🙂

Lessons Learned

I’m nearing my mid thirties. I don’t consider myself young, but I don’t feel old either. What I know is; I’ve had a good number of years to learn and grow. This experiment of living has taught me a few things. Lessons that can only be learned through hindsight. Below is a chronological collection of lessons I’ve gathered thus far.

Lessons Learned:

2 years old: “Don’t eat that!”

5 years old: “The man in glasses is your father.”

7 years old: “Beware of strangers!”

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