This post is for all the new moms out there. You will, and probably are experiencing many new indescribable things; emotions, physical sensations and baby behaviour that are too bazaar for words. I hope this post will help you better articulate all the craziness a newborn comes with. Share this with your mommy and non-mommy friends so you can speak to these experiences and maybe feel less isolated. Because my darling mommy, you are not alone. We’re all in it together!
Baby terms for the weary new mom:
Zambie – Baby+Zombie=Zambie: In this zambie state your baby has one eye wide open and twitching and the other glazed over with sleep. Baby’s head is wobbling sporadically. Rather than crying or screaming, baby is breathing hard and weekly grunting. This zambie is overtired and desperately needs to sleep. It is slowly gnawing away at your grey matter. You are worried, tired and most likely going insane.
Vamby – Baby+Vampire=Vamby: This baby only sleeps during the day and is wide awake all night. Baby is awake during uncivilized hours wanting to play, cuddle and feed. These restless nights are slowly sucking the life force out of your already emaciated body.
Pootastrophy – A poo so great it will forever be etched on the walls of your family tomb. A poo that overflows from the diaper onto baby’s back and soaks into baby’s clothes forever leaving a mustardy stain on everything in sight. It requires an excessive amount of wipes and a full bath for baby… and you.
Cannon Poop – An explosive poo of such great force every second, from it’s inception to the subsequent splatter, is accompanied by the sound track to Saving Private Ryan.
The Reckoning – The desperate period of crying, screaming, clawing, and head-budding that occurs right before an overtired baby collapses to sleep due to pure exhaustion.
The Witching Hours – That strange time at dusk when your sweet little angel turns into a Werebaby. The Werebaby has super baby powers and can draw out The Reckoning for hours on end. Both parents are left ravaged; pacing, shaking, shushing and swaying the night away.
Phantom Belly – Baby is out in the real world and practically crawling, but mommy is still wearing maternity clothes, periodically rubbing her belling and avoiding tight spaces. Hey momma, you’re not pregnant anymore; try on a tank top, hula hoop, sleep on your stomach. Live a little!
Having a newborn is not all a horror show, it’s just mostly a horror show. Seriously though, being a new mom is super hard. That’s the truth. So if you’re a new mom, take it easy on yourself. Give yourself as much slack as you need, and rest whenever you can. It does get easier over time and… as crazy as this may sound now, it does get super fun.
My baby is having a super fussy week, and she’s driving me crazy. But gosh darn it! She’s so damn cute I love her to bits. So I suffer through the witching hours in hopes of a 5 second smile the next day. When that little dimpled smile comes my way, I savor every ounce of endorphins it brings. In that sweet moment, I know in my heart there is no greater love than the love I have for my little zambie 😉